Twitter makes me feel like an unsuccessful Jesus

Followers were a big topic of discussion at my elementary school, Good Shepherd Catholic in Garland, Texas (yes, the very same city the movie Zombieland scorns in its opening scene).

At school I learned that Jesus loved to collect followers like they were Pokémon. He was always going around saying to people, “hey, put the crack pipe down and come follow me,” or something to that effect (my Aramaic is a little rusty). And follow the people did. They were all about the JC. He was maybe the only cool guy to don Teva sandals. Ever.

And I totally get it. Vodka shots in DC typically cost about ten bucks each. If I met a dude that could turn water into wine I would indeed follow him…all around the bar.

But thanks to the magic that is Twitter I now know exactly how many people would want to drop everything and come follow me. Or at least click a “follow” button on their computer.

The answer: not very many.

But after thinking about it today, I’ve decided I’m okay with losing to Jesus. He is after all, quite the worthy opponent. I’ve never even tried to raise anyone from the dead (if you would like to volunteer contact broadsofthebeltway@gmail.com, subject line “Lazarus 2.0”).

I’m frankly surprised some religious nut bag hasn’t publicly admonished Twitter for asking people to follow false gods. But then again Jesus tweets now too, so maybe it’s all-good in the religious ‘hood. As of this post Jesus has 342,774 followers on Twitter.

The guy can walk on water, for Christ’s sake.

– Lindsay

About Lindsay Golder

Freelance writer, book-fiend, lover of shamefully bad films regularly featured on TBS or TNT.

3 Responses to “Twitter makes me feel like an unsuccessful Jesus”

  1. This is brilliant!

  2. Thank you! Glad to see I am not alone on this issue.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. DC Guys: Buy the Girl a Drink, already! | broadsofthebeltway - 2011/07/26

    […] mentioned in a previous post, drinks in DC are quite expensive. While I choose to carry around an awesome pink flask in my bar […]

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